DaveEnglund.Name/DBlog

In my family, love is a 31 letter word - taking care of the feelings of others

Picking up on the former conversation about "shoulds" and taking care of other people's feelings...

We were sitting in the living room of my sister's house enjoying an informal gathering on New Year's Day, when my mother said she wanted to have a family meeting. She explained that it's been getting harder for all of us to buy presents for the extended family, and one of my nieces mentioned to her that the kids are really getting too overwhelmed with the volume of presents (they've lost the meaning), so we are going to just draw names next year and each person will only have one present to worry about.

That sounded clear enough. And I was in hearty agreement. But about fifteen minutes later when we were all sitting at the supper table Dad made a clarification that made my jaw drop. He said, "Oh, by the way, that new rule just applies to you guys. It doesn't apply to us." Someone cracked, "What, you mean we all have to buy you two presents?"

My Dad replied, "No, what I mean is, your mother and I will still be getting presents for everybody." Now, when he says "everybody" it means my brother (the oldest), my sister (next oldest) and her husband and their two boys, myself (the youngest), and then on down the list to include all of my brother's children and their children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I blurted out, "Who do you think you are? God?" To which my mother replied, "No, I know who God is David."

Now, I know there is a unique situation where parents / grandparents / great-grandparents are involved (my parents are all three). But let's consider the facts. My father is 78 years old, and mother is 75. And they are now at a stage in their lives when they have to be much more careful with their spending (i.e., they can't spend like they used to).

So, here are my parents saying they are still going to buy presents for the entire extended family. Why? What's the true motivation? Mom and Dad would say it's love. But is that really love? Or, is it making sure you are taking care of the feelings of others?

Certainly, love can be expressed through giving of presents. And I suppose any parents / grandparents / great-grandparents can find a way to minimize the cost while still giving to the entire extended family. But I think there are more options available that my good parents have not yet considered. Perhaps they could just get some small presents (one each) for the great-grandchildren and give everyone else nice Christmas cards.

Currently, their solution still sounds like more of the same to me - making sure you've bought enough presents for everybody so they will be happy with you and you can feel they are happy with you. As I said before, it's where I learned my codependency.

The "should's" of codependency

New Year's Day - 2005. I am going to my sister's house to visit for a couple of hours with family. I have been struggling with whether or not to invite BP. Do I want to? Not really. But I feel I "should."

Why? Because BP does not have family here, he may feel lonely or hurt if I don't invite him. So, by inviting him I would be taking care of his feelings at the expense of my own. I would be sacrificing what I want (my time with my family) to make sure he is "okay."

I began to wonder just when this pattern began in my life - of laying aside my needs and desires for the sake of taking care of the needs and desires of others. I assume that at some level it was already present in my family system while I was growing up. But the most profound impact occurred during my adolescence - when my mother was going through some kind of a personal crisis.

There was an expectation in the family that we kids had to "help" our mother through this difficult time. In truth, it was a difficult time for her. But our version of helping meant taking care of her feelings and making sure she was okay emotionally (i.e., making sure she was okay with us). This also translates to denying your own emotional needs and wants. Do this long enough and you don't know who you are anymore. You are just someone who makes sure others are okay with you. And everything you do has a "should" at the core of it.

Coming out of denial

I was actually lying in bed this morning re-thinking my attitudes and thinking about my relationship with BP.

"Is it really about codependency, or am I just being greedy and uncaring? And yet, I cannot deny that God gave me a wake-up call with respect to codependency a week or two ago. How can I know for sure?"

A short while later I was in the company of my parents driving to a new Lowes hardware super store in our area. It was something fun to do with them while on my Christmas vacation (more accurately defined as being out of a job).

Mother was telling me how one of my nieces was becoming a problem in their house. Both my parents are elderly and still living in their own house. Yet, my older brother is living with them, and has been for several years since he was laid off by Boeing. Now his oldest daughter, who is currently an over-the-road trucker, is sort of annexing a room in their basement for her own living space. In truth, my parents are unhappy with both of these arrangements. They expressed their frustration about my brother living there at least two years ago, but as yet have found it difficult to bring about any definite change in this situation. Now, they are expressing consternation about my niece’s apparent annexation of their basement, and again they are finding it difficult to take firm measures to bring about any real change.

And here I am, lying in my bed this morning, wondering if I have a codependency problem with my friend BP? If I had any doubt, after listening to my good parents express their frustrations over these two important relationships in their home, I had no more reservations about my own codependency problem. It was what I learned.

Don't get me wrong. I love my brother, and my niece. They are good people and are not intentionally taking advantage of my parents. But the sickness of codependency is alive and well in our family system. We learned to depend upon our parents, and they learned to co-depend with us. And this sickness of codependency is now expressing itself across several generations.

For my part, I am doing what I can to address my own disease of codependency.

Dependents and Codependents

Here's the deal. Before BP came back to the states I was interested in finding a roommate to help reduce some financial burden in my living expenses. I had in mind an amount of $500/mth for sharing the same space. I also knew the selection of a roommate would be very important in terms of compatibility - I'm almost 50 and pretty set in my ways.

When BP came back to the States I thought about offering to let him be that roommate because I knew he would need a place to live. First sign of my codependency - I minimized the importance of values compatibility and supplanted it with BP's "need."

When we talked about rent, I said, him being a close friend and all, I could live with $400/mth. But then BP came back with reasons why he could not possibly pay that amount. Second sign of my codependency - I changed my true need to meet his far different expectation, again because of a sense of "needing to help BP." What about needing to help Dave who is finding himself financially strapped?

Not only did I accept BP's far reduced rent proposal (he even gave me the "freedom" to choose my rock bottom minimum amount), but BP then came back a day later and said his ability to pay was $20 less than the rock bottom minimum. Third sign of my codependency - I again accepted BP's price/requirement because I felt pressure to "help" him (from within and from without) find a way through his financial difficulties. Which makes me stop to wonder about BP's motives - did he ever stop to consider Dave's financial need? Basically, he was absorbed with his own paln to find some way to finagle as much as possible his way out of his own housing costs.

So now I'm starting to see some interesting dynamics between the dependent and co-dependent. Dependents are pretty adept at manipulating co-dependents, and codependents sort of put the "Welcome" matt out that says, "Here I am! I'm ready to lay aide my own needs and be used!"

There's an old saying that goes "Two ticks, no dog." In other words, dependents and codependents kind of suck the life out of each other, all the while avoiding their own respective issues, which are fundamentally about personal shame and insecurity. The dependent doesn't believe in themself enough to do life on their own. And the codependent doesn't belive in themself enough to do life without someone else dependent on them, who makes them forget they too do not feel capable of doing life on their own.

Telling myself the truth

I wrote the following in my journal on...

Friday, December 24, 2004; 11:27 AM;
Yesterday was another relationship tug-of-war with BP. I presented to him my change of plans – I was asking him to enter an agreement of stepping up his rent payment over five months until he is paying the full $400/mth.

He countered by re-telling his financial difficulties (the $3,000 dental bill), and asserting that he either has to stay at the $150/mth rate until his educational program is finished or he has to go home to South Korea. He also asserted I was not being a true friend, or not a very good friend, by demanding he pay full rent while knowing his “difficulties” (a financial crisis he was well aware of before returning to the states). BP suggested a different plan – that he pay $150/mth until he gets his LPN license (to work as a nursing assistant), and then begin paying both the regular rental amount plus a payment to repay what had previously been delayed (e.g., $400 + $200 = $600/mth).

The problem I see with BP's plan is that it's a bigger burden than if he just rose to the challenge of $400/mth, and it still looks very much like codependency. My plan is designed to wean both of us off of codependency in terms of the housing agreement. I am simply asking BP to take full responsibility for his life here in the states…

Actually, that is not entirely correct. What I just said, the way I just said it, is evidence that I am still struggling with my own codependency – my need to be “helpful.” The truth is, that my plan is designed to wean me off of a codependent arrangement with BP. What BP does about his codependency is his business.

The evidence of my own struggle with codependency is in the second to last paragraph, where I said "My plan is designed to wean both of us off of codependency..."

It demonstrates that my thinking was still going down the track of trying to "help" or "fix" my friend, even while trying to help myself out of an unhealthy arrangement. But journaling, putting your thoughts and emotions down in writing, can work wonders in providing a most helpful mirror on reality.

In the last paragraph of my journal entry I woke up to the fact that what I need most to do is to help myself get healthy, to attend to my side of this relational equation. My friend is responsible for his side. When and/or if he accepts that responsibility, then he too will have an opportunity to grow and mature. But that is entirely his matter to deal with.

My struggle with codependency

[Note: To protect anonymity I am using initials to refer to the others involved in the relationship I am writing about.]

A few months ago I became aware of BP's plans to return to the United States to study nursing at MCC (Minneapolis Community College). As the time approached for his return I found myself thinking about BP's living situation. Previously, when he had come here he went through some tough times with respect to housing. In fact, a few years ago when BP was here, and the Korean economy took a nose dive, he found housing for free in what turned out to be a house owned by the "Moonies" (followers of Rev. Moon). I watched in horror as BP dropped out of school and turned into a Moonie, selling flowers on street corners. Eventually, I hired an expert and did an intervention with BP to help bring him out of that environment. During another stay in the states BP changed schools and moved out to California to attend Southern Cal. But there too he fell on hard times, victimized by those who hired illegal aliens, he worked long hard hours for his housing. Eventually, he returned home to South Korea. Now, he was returning again, and at some level I knew BP would also be scrambling for his housing needs again.