Picking up on the former conversation about "shoulds" and taking care of other people's feelings...
We were sitting in the living room of my sister's house enjoying an informal gathering on New Year's Day, when my mother said she wanted to have a family meeting. She explained that it's been getting harder for all of us to buy presents for the extended family, and one of my nieces mentioned to her that the kids are really getting too overwhelmed with the volume of presents (they've lost the meaning), so we are going to just draw names next year and each person will only have one present to worry about.
That sounded clear enough. And I was in hearty agreement. But about fifteen minutes later when we were all sitting at the supper table Dad made a clarification that made my jaw drop. He said, "Oh, by the way, that new rule just applies to you guys. It doesn't apply to us." Someone cracked, "What, you mean we all have to buy you two presents?"
My Dad replied, "No, what I mean is, your mother and I will still be getting presents for everybody." Now, when he says "everybody" it means my brother (the oldest), my sister (next oldest) and her husband and their two boys, myself (the youngest), and then on down the list to include all of my brother's children and their children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I blurted out, "Who do you think you are? God?" To which my mother replied, "No, I know who God is David."
Now, I know there is a unique situation where parents / grandparents / great-grandparents are involved (my parents are all three). But let's consider the facts. My father is 78 years old, and mother is 75. And they are now at a stage in their lives when they have to be much more careful with their spending (i.e., they can't spend like they used to).
So, here are my parents saying they are still going to buy presents for the entire extended family. Why? What's the true motivation? Mom and Dad would say it's love. But is that really love? Or, is it making sure you are taking care of the feelings of others?
Certainly, love can be expressed through giving of presents. And I suppose any parents / grandparents / great-grandparents can find a way to minimize the cost while still giving to the entire extended family. But I think there are more options available that my good parents have not yet considered. Perhaps they could just get some small presents (one each) for the great-grandchildren and give everyone else nice Christmas cards.
Currently, their solution still sounds like more of the same to me - making sure you've bought enough presents for everybody so they will be happy with you and you can feel they are happy with you. As I said before, it's where I learned my codependency.








